Rabu, 20 Mei 2015

Day's #135 - #140: I'm ALIVE and FIGHTING!

Guess what? I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth- I'm here, alive and well- although my lack of blogging activity may have suggested otherwise.

I've actually had PLENTY that I couldn't wait to share with you this week and I've gotten half way through a post at least 3 times this week but this week has been super busy...let's just say my eye started twitching yesterday so I'm taking that as a sign it's time to slow down a bit- more on that another time.

Alright- the one thing that I value so much about blogging (and you all) is that this is the only place I feel I'm held accountable for my choices in regards to healthy living; for whatever reason you all understand not only how I feel and why I got the way that I did but you also understand my potential, which is why it is sometimes hard to share when I go through a time that was disappointing.

And in the name of honesty and accountability I have to share this weird time that was the last 3 weeks; I don't expect anyone to understand, and I especially don't expect to hear any sort of sympathy... I'm an odd creature, my perfectionistic mind works in strange ways, but I do feel guilty for not being completely honest here on my blog; so here's what's been going on:

As I've mentioned in previous posts, fasting (abstaining from food for a short/long period of time), is something that I participate in either alone or with a group of fellow believers at times, it is not something I do every month, in fact I've gone years without doing it but on May 26th I embarked with some friends on a 21 day (3 week) fast which was centered around praying for our city; the longest before this that I had ever fasted was 7 days and I remember that being a doozy so you can imagine how intimidated I was about this, and there were many times before the fast started that I almost didn't do it just because I knew that it would affect my ability to work out and I didn't want to lose the endurance that I had built up...but I felt that this was a sacrifice that I needed to make.

Basically, here's how it shook down: Pre-fasting weight: 305

Week 1- Didn't eat

Week 2- Didn't eat

Week 3- Ate whatever the heck I wanted.

Now tell me that isn't just a bunch of crazy?

Most people didn't last the 2 weeks and it's always up to you to decide how long you want to participate (as well in the way you'd like to) but I think since I had set it in my mind that I wouldn't be working out for 3 weeks that once I decided to stop fasting after the 2nd week it made perfect sense to me that I had a "free week" of eating whatever the heck I wanted.

I know the whole concept of not eating for 2 weeks sounds like a case of anorexia and binging but that's not what it was about at all and there's no need for me to apologize for it- some great things were accomplished during that time and I wouldn't take it back for a second but let me tell you what- I learned A LOT that dreadful third week....and not to sound overly dramatic but it may have been my saving grace on this journey.

I wasn't obviously counting the weight that I was losing during the first 2 weeks as real weight lost because I knew it would be coming right back as soon as I ate something, but it was kind of fun to see what I will look like and how I will feel when I eventually do get under 300lbs, but during that third week I had not only gained back the 9lbs I had lost during the 2 week's of fasting but an additional 6lbs from where I even started, and let me tell you...I could FEEL it.

I know that 311lbs is in reality 41lbs smaller than where I started this journey but I felt like I was 352lbs again- seriously!

During that 3rd week, there were things that happened that literally made me disgusted with myself:

- I could feel the extra weight as I walked.

- When walking up a small hill I got winded.

- I was EXHAUSTED all of the time.

I had a brief glimpse of what my life was like when I weighed 352lbs and I believe that I had honestly forgotten just how badly I need to lose weight...and how quickly everything that I've worked for could be gone.

On Monday, I woke up and weighed in at 311lbs- I just wanted to cry... my goal for the end of May was to be at 290 and now I'd be luck to be where I was before I started the fast by the end of the month- 305. But let me tell you this- a fire is burning under my butt that is SO hott I am more motivated than EVER to achieve my goal this year of losing 100lbs.

Today (Thursday) I weighed in at 308, so a 3lb loss since Monday and it's because I have been filling my body with nutritious food and being active.

There's so much more that I want to say but I know this is getting long so I'll share the rest tomorrow, but I just want to say THANK YOU all for being here with me through this journey, I believe that even though the past 3 weeks have not left me at a place numerically where I'd like to be, they have provided me with a wake-up call that I needed. I WILL lose 100lbs this year, I will, I will, I will.

In fact, last night my roomate and I went to Breuster's Ice Cream (yum!) and I didn't even get a single thing becasue I'm determined and dedicated to end the month of May having given my VERY best during these last 2 weeks- not just having stupid treats because they are there.

I leave you all with saying that after 2 weeks of eating nothing at all and 1 week of eating nothing but absolute crap, I began this week feeling uber THANKFUL that I have the choice as to what I can eat, that I GET to fuel my body with good food- not that I HAVE to. It's a privilege that we get to choose what we eat, let's be grateful.

And b/c I have a hard time not including some picture in my posts...this is me and my friends at a kid's festival this weekend, with Timmy the Termite :)

Peace and Love Ya'll :)