I would periodically step on the scale when I could muster up enough courage and find that I had gained 15-20lbs but would assure myself that sooner or later I would lose all of the weight.
I would shop at Lane Bryant (the only store who's pants I could actually where), discover that I had to go up another size but still tell myself that it wasn't a big deal and all a part of "growing up."
I allowed myself to get bigger and bigger and bigger and by some miracle was able to convince myself that it wouldn't have an effect on the rest of my life- whether I got married, had children, or how well I would be able to do my job.
I was in denial for years. And over the past 3-4 months I've began to awaken from this fat coma and realize that I do have the power to change my life, that my life is being effected by my weight, and that if I don't do something I will only get bigger.
It appears to me that whether we like it or not this journey carries with it some drama. When we first begin everything is different and we are faced with the unhappy state that we find ourselves in that cause us to want to change- it's quite dramatic. All of this is soon to be followed by all of the drastic changes we realize we must make and everyday we are learning something new about health, fitness, ourselves and how we got this way.
And while the last few weeks have certainly had no shortage of drama in my personal life, the drama of this journey has drastically decreased and is basically non-existent; and for some reason- unbeknownst to me- this lack of drama and change has caused me to become lax.
I began this blog for 2 reasons: 1- As a way of chronicling my journey- I knew this is something that I would want to look back on and that someone else might be interested/helped by my daily ramblings. 2- Accountability: B/C of the way my life is set up, I don't have a lot of people that feel comfortable holding me accountable in the area of health/weight loss; I knew this was something that would be too easy for me to put on the back burner and just forget about it altogether. Thus far, this blog has fulfilled both of these purposes- plus connected me w/some pretty rockin' people :)
But this week I found myself making choices that I am not happy with; if I were to list them all out I would undoubtedly receive comments saying that I am being too hard on myself and that those things aren't really that bad- but here's the catch- I know how great my best is, and I have not been giving my best during this past week. Last night I found myself at Eat N' Park (basically Denny's) at 11pm w/ a friend eating fried zucchini and cheesy spinach and artichoke dip w/ reckless abandon. Why? Because I wanted it.
I have so many plans set in place to keep last night from happening (ask myself if it's really worth it, remember one of the many reasons I want to lose, look at an unflattering pic, etc.) and they all work- IF you do them. Last night I didn't even give it a thought- I just did what I wanted, not out of rebellion, but just out of a lack of concern.
What the heck is wrong with me? I weigh 315lbs- is that not reason for concern? Maybe it's just that the amount of success I've had thus far lead me to believe that I don't really have to try that hard and that I can eat carelessly and that it won't matter. Wrong. The scale made sure I understood that today when it read 317- that's a 2lb gain from last week. Truthfully, I'm glad that I gained, I needed a wake up call.
I know what my best is and I'm giving it all I've got- not just this week but for the rest of this year. I by no means "fell of the wagon"- I don't believe in those, remember? But I did make some unhealthy choices that I've learned from and am moving forward w/ the knowledge of how to not repeat them in the future. Yes, these past few weeks have been crazy and that's completely out of my control, but now I know how to handle these things better. But I do have to say I'm proud for the way I handled them this time too- just could have done BETTER. I have come to the realization that I don't need the effect of drama to keep me moving forward on this journey- just self discipline and hard work, both of which I have plenty of. It's ok that this is feeling more natural, I know that's a sign that this will be easier to maintain long-term.
As I have, I ask you to answer this questions honestly: Are you giving this your very best?
If not, you'd better figure out why b/c I've figured out that this journey will accept nothing less than your absolute best.
I leave you all with a beautiful, beautiful, sight for my sore eyes that I encountered yesterday...
Until I moved to PA a few months ago, I didn't even own a single pair of "regular" shoes- all I owned was flip flops- needless to say I am MORE than ready to be sportin' them again VERY soon! Today I bought 2 pairs at Old Navy as my way of declaring that Spring is on its way :)