Kamis, 22 Januari 2015

Day #22: NO.MORE.FEAR.

The other day while driving to work I was listening to a morning show on a local radio station and the question was asked: "What would you attempt if you were not afraid?"

My answer to this question immediately popped into my head: I would work out at the gym like a beast.

I'm not afraid of much in life. I've moved cross-country by myself twice without knowing a single soul where I was going. I have no problem going into the most ghetto of places by myself at night. I'll talk to just about anyone-I have no problem with public speaking- in fact these patterns have been something my friends are constantly getting a kick out of. So needless to say when my answer to that question came not only so quickly but was about something that most consider quite trivial- I was not only shocked but sad.

I've never really consiously thought about it, but I am definitely anxious about going to the gym. In fact, I was pretty much planning on never setting foot into one throughout this journey until I only had about 40lbs left to lose- I was just going to walk/jog at the park nearby and use workout DVD's. However, that plan hasn't really been working for me because since it's so cold out I've been doing the indoor walking DVD's (Leslie Sansone) but I usually have to wait till everyone else in my house goes to bed (which can be very late) b/c I don't feel like looking like a dork sitting their jogging in place in front of the tv and then to top it all off, my roomate took her DVD player upstairs into her room...blah, blah, blah.

But CLEARLY my answer to the question about what I would do if I wasn't afraid proves that I really do want to work out in the gym- well HELLO- of course I do! So why haven't I? Because I've been afriad- completely subconsciouly I might add.

These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I think about going to the gym:

- Everyone is going to think, "What is that big girl doing here? Why is she even bothering?"

- I'm going to look stupid not knowing how to use any of the machines.

- The gym is only for fit people.

- I'm probably going to be the biggest person there.

- What if there is some really good looking people there, they are going to be judging me.

- This is going to suck and just be all around horrible.

Every.single.one. of those thoughts are based off of one thing: FEAR. And I RE-freaking-FUSE to allow myself to remain morbidly obese because of SELF-INDUCED fear! Especially because I have NO way of basing any of those thoughts in reality.

I'm going to kick fear (and fat) square in the face. Want proof?

Check. it.

That there my amazing friends is a GYM MEMBERSHIP. And who's name is on it? MINE. Yep- me, all 327lbs of me, and I deserve to be there just as much as anyone else.

I have no doubt that God is guiding me along this journey; seriously- there have just been far too many coincidences that have been HUGE aids for me in already losing 25lbs. For example, besides the fact that I was allowing fear to control me, I didn't think getting a gym membership was even going to be possible because I really don't have the money to spare. WELLLLL, guess how much this YEAR long gym membership cost me....c'mon guess :)

56 freakin dollars. For a YEAR! And no joke, the gym is at most 3 minutes away from my house! It is in a community center and since I am a resident of the township that the community center is in it is just super cheap and it is also super nice (pics to come!) Now THAT is divine right there.

But signing up for the gym is a great step (forward I might add! :) but the real victory will be going.

Here is a list of thoughts that I am going to replace those others with and focus on and read when I don't want to go to the gym:

- If I don't go right now it will be because of fear. Fear is just an illusion, it is not reality or concrete. Refuse to allow fear to cripple me or keep me obese.

- I am just at the starting point; it is okay if I don't rock at everything.

- I should not be anymore embarassed for fit people to see me working out at the gym than I am for them to see me eating unhealthy food at a restaurant; if anything they are probably judging me less- at least I'm changing! I am not doing this for them, I'm doing it for me and my future family. P.S.- I'm not staying fat for a fit stranger!

- People aren't there waiting to scope out and judge overweight people who come to the gym, they are there to work out.

-Kassey could only do the elliptical for 5 minutes when she first started, and look at her now- a year later she is teaching spin classes (and lost 160 lbs!)

- I am the ONLY one who is going to push myself to do this- no point in waiting for anyone else!

- The people on The Biggest Loser are bigger than me (well, some of them! lol) and they are pouring sweat- I can do this! I will push myself to my limits and do things I never thought possible!

- If I only want to have to do this (lose all of the weight I need to) for a year (year and half tops) then I've got to give it my ALL NOW! No time to play around.

- And when I am feeling discouaraged for not being able to go as long or as hard on a machine as I'd like, I will remind myself that it is more than I was able to do the day before.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings friends, you truly have NO idea how much it means to me that I have wonderful people like you cheering me on and that I'm not alone in this- you are all truly invaluable.


Weekend Plans: Fri: Going out to dinner with our church launch team and then having a game night at my house (ya'll KNOW I love me some games!) Sat: Gym! errands, and slumber party. Sun: Our very first church service (woot woot!) and grocery shoppin' :)

Peace and Love!